The feeling of being numb is quite an interesting phenomenon. In fact, according to the Oxford English Dictionary:
numb (/nʌm/)
deprive of feeling or responsiveness.
Similar: deadening, desensitizing, paralysing
Opposite: sensitive, responsive
It is a paradox, you feel no feelings.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm fine", "I'm good", "I'm great" accompanied by a smile that reaches your eyes, but you have learned the art of baring your teeth without seeming disingenuous, sometimes you throw in a light laugh, like the ones you suppose old actresses gave at glamorous parties to unamusing jokes. Zoom calls and GoogleMeets have grainy videos, in any case, no one will know any better, better yet, no one can see your face when you text on your phone. It’s so easy to communicate how you feel, isn’t it?
"How are you really doing?"
"I'm just... I'm just tired", "I don't know why but this semester, I just can't seem to focus", "I can't do online learning anymore", “I don’t know, I just can’t cope with this way of learning”, "When will the colleges finally reopen!?".
They ask us to just breathe. Maybe there's no air left.
When the global pandemic hit the lives of us college students in March 2020, we didn't know any better, did we? We were rejoicing, happy about our exams being postponed or canceled, crying out about “no more classes!”, excited about having the experience of sitting at home and taking Zooms and GoogleMeets. The novelty wore off soon enough though. We all were oblivious not only to what might happen, but what was happening in the world around us. Homes now seem like prisons, college is Eden, online classes definitely seem like a drag; but do we not also feel guilty? Should all of us not be grateful about the lives we have been given? So many people’s lives have been devastated by the pandemic, so many, it’s uncountable, so shouldn’t something as trivial as staying at home, taking online classes be a piece of cake for students? Unfortunately for us, mental anguish doesn’t discriminate.
Alarm. Open your phone. Whatsapp. Link. Click on link. Attend class. Whatsapp. Next link. Attendance. Mic doesn’t work. Write name in chatbox. Whatsapp. Hear Maa calling. “I have class!”. Link. Groan about new assignment. Maa brings food. Eat food while taking class. Class ends. Whatsapp. Link. Click on link. Attend class. Poor internet connection. Don’t attend class. Class was important to understand assignment. Groan about not being able to attend class. Whatsapp. Link. Attend class. Classes over. Eat. Start assignment. Poor internet. Cannot do assignment. Worry how you will give exams due to poor internet. Realize you won’t be able to improve internet connection. Groan. End day with nothing done (maybe some reading). Sleep. Alarm. Begin again.
A year later, after living more than 365 days with the Covid-19 virus, never getting a moment’s rest from this parasitic roommate, I can safely say, students did not envision this to be their college experience. With the third year students almost graduating without once hugging their peers or making nervous remarks about their futures and finding comfort in each other’s eyes, with the second year students feeling as if they are in a limbo with no way out, stuck in a rut with no escape, with the first year students who haven’t taken a single class with their professor’s offline, nor have they had the experience of bumping into each other in the hallways and making friends, the pandemic truly has changed the way students approach college.
But as platitudinal as it may sound, we cannot lose hope. We cannot control the pandemic, but the one thing we can control is our own reaction to it. It may be hard to be positive, but let’s begin one step at a time.
The past claws without any inhibitions to rake the skin of today’s time, can it be killed like a monster in an action movie, with a gun to the temple? Well, the trigger lies in our hands, we just have to make sure our fingers aren’t numb.
Pragya Dhiman
Vice President
Redstockings Literary Society